How To Build Deep Friendships

Title: How To Build Deep Friendships

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.

Science tells us that to feel truly satisfied, people only need three to five deep relationships in their lives. It might be surprising, but being close to all our social media friends isn’t necessary for fulfillment. Equally surprising is the fact that many individuals still lack these close connections.

Everyone, at different stages of life, is searching for meaningful friendships. It could be a teenager who just changed schools, a student struggling to connect, a new mom whose main company is her infant, or a grandfather who has witnessed most of his friends pass away.

Amidst us, there are people yearning for genuine connections. Despite this desire, we often overlook the fact that the people closest to us are the ones we need to connect with the most. 

There are principles that can guide you in changing ping acquaintances into lifelong friendships. A good starting point is self-reflection, asking key questions to assess your current relationships: Which friendships require a more profound connection? It’s crucial to identify where deeper bonds are needed.

Consider the depth of your current close friendships. Are you genuinely close, discussing more than just superficial topics? Evaluating the authenticity of these connections is essential.

Reflect on which relationships you are willing to invest extra effort in. Not every connection requires the same level of commitment, so it’s vital to discern where your focus should lie.

As we delve into this study, keep these relationships in mind. They’ll serve as practical examples and application points for the principles we explore.

Point 1: Knowing and doing the basics

Even though many people have their own interpretation of what love is, love is not a self-defined attribute. 

Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

You might find that you’re perceived as the most loving person by one individual, yet another feels neglected despite your efforts. It’s important to recognise that we cannot dictate how someone else should feel loved. However, we can guide them in recognising the efforts put into a relationship.

There comes a crucial moment when you might catch yourself saying: 

“But I have tried loving them and it just hasn’t worked!”

“Everything I seem to do goes unnoticed or unappreciated.” 

In such instances, you must ask yourself: “Am I loving others in a way that makes them feel loved?” A common mistake is loving others based on how we feel loved. Understanding the concept of Love Languages can be pivotal. It would be wise to familiarise yourself with this popular term and learn how to identify someone’s Love Language to love them more effectively.

These love languages encompass the most common ways people feel loved. By grasping these languages, you may understand better how others feels loved and practicals on how to show it. 

Here are the love languages and their definitions: 

1. Words of Affirmation 

Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Expressing words of affirmation can be done through spoken or written communication. Spoken words involve: 

• Compliments
• Adding value to them
• Sharing a vision
• Offering support during challenges. 

On the other hand, written words have lasting impact as it can be stored and kept. This would include: 

• Notes
• Cards
• Encouraging texts. 

Simple yet meaningful gestures also go a long way, like wishing luck before a test or sending an encouraging text, can make a significant impact. Cultivate the habit of reaching out through calls or texts just to show you’re thinking about them, providing numerous opportunities for encouragement.

2. Gift Giving 

Proverbs 18:16 A gift opens the way and ushers the giver into the presence of the great.

Gift-giving is deeply ingrained in various cultures globally as a means of expressing love. In the Vietnamese culture and many south-east Asian countries, offering a gift is a prominent way to convey affection. When giving a gift, avoid giving money, focus on thought – ultimately it’s the thought that counts. Presentation matters, so wrapping the gift and incorporating an element of surprise makes each gift all the more worthwhile.

3. Acts of Service

Galatians 5:13 You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.

Acts of service is not only a means to show love, but it is simply the Christian life. From simple tasks like washing dishes to assisting with favours, acts of service demonstrate care and consideration. It’s crucial to recognise that individuals with this love language often desire to reciprocate, so allowing them to do favours for you encourages them – so allow them to serve you.

4. Quality Time

Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.

When spending time with someone, prioritise being fully present by eliminating all distractions especially our phones. Strive to initiate. In conversations, talk about deep topics, not shying away from challenging topics but approaching them with the sincerity of a friend.

5. Physical Touch

Luke 15:20 So he got up and went to his father.“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

Imagine if, instead of a warm embrace, the father opted for a strong handshake; the moment would have felt inadequate, leaving the readers with doubts about the father’s forgiveness. Physical touch, whether sitting next to someone, offering high fives, or providing comfort when they’re sad, serves as a strong means to convey connection and genuine emotions. Even subtle gestures like a touch on the shoulder during a conversation can strengthen the bond between individuals.

Determining someone’s love language,  can be as simple as asking them directly. 

Other practical tips for cultivating meaningful connections include:

1. Get to Know Their Background:

• Explore their family dynamics and past experiences to gain a deeper understanding of who they are.

2. Engage in Playful Activities:

• Playing together can reveal more about a person in an hour than extensive conversations over a year.

3. Share Laughter and Teasing:

• Building shared moments of laughter and light-hearted teasing brings a casual heart between friends.

Being genuine and uninhibited in a relationship is essential. Old friends provide the blessing of shared history, where you can comfortably be foolish together. True friends prevent you from navigating the challenges of life alone. True friends will ensure that there are no insecurities and bring out our natural selves with no shame.

Point 2: Going the extra mile

Matthew 5:39-44 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,

Loving those who may seem least deserving is a profound expression of the love we’ve received from God. A couple of key points to help us love deeply.

1. Know where that love comes from

• Our ability to love stems from experiencing God’s love firsthand 

1 John 4:19 We love because he first loved us.

2. Focus on Positive Action

• Concentrate on what you can do in a relationship, instead of constantly focusing on what others could do or have not done.

3. Embrace Compassion and Forgiveness

• Clothe yourself with qualities such as compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience

Colossians 3:12-14 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

4. Bear with where they are at 

A couple of practicals in loving deeply: 

• Pray together 
• Have meaningful conversation
• Go to a wedding, funeral or a family event together
• Do something entirely phone-free (camping, hiking, etc.)
• Work together on a project that you both care about.
• Try some fun games together 
• Share unique experiences together 
• Take a long drive together
• Get to know each other’s families 
• Revisit each other’s past 
• Commit to something you both have not done before
• Stay at each other’s house 
• Play together 
• Connect through facebook or other social media outlets
• Eat together without noisy distractions in a new place
• Fake it till you make it (treat yourself as their best friend and eventually it will become reality)

Consistent support in the journey 

Building deep, long-term relationships involves a commitment to supporting others consistently throughout life’s challenges. 

Job 16:1-5 Then Job replied: “I have heard many things like these; you are miserable comforters, all of you! Will your long-winded speeches never end? What ails you that you keep on arguing? I also could speak like you, if you were in my place; I could make fine speeches against you and shake my head at you. But my mouth would encourage you; comfort from my lips would bring you relief.

Just like in the passage we must not become like Job’s friends. His friends who initially aimed to sympathise with him, but veered into criticism. We must learn the importance of avoiding judgmental attitudes and cultivating friendships that offer genuine comfort. 

Be understanding and support one another

1 Kings 19:3-9 Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. 

“I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep. All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. 

He ate and drank and then lay down again. The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. There he went into a cave and spent the night.

God’s interaction with Elijah serves as a model for us. God supported Elijah, gave him food, a time to rest especially during difficult times. Embracing this approach, we can create an environment where friends become a source of encouragement rather than correction. Throughout life, our friendships serve to be moments of encouragement especially as we run through this marathon called life. 

Hebrews 3:12-13 See to it, brothers and sisters, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.

Title: How to Build Deep Friendships.

Point 1. Knowing and Doing the Basics.

Point 2. Going the Extra Mile.